KKK 08

Before I get into the most celebrated beer pong article of the new millennium (listed in Pong Weekly Issue #69) I’d like to welcome everyone to the grand opening of the Point Penthouse. Unless your not playing pong, than I don’t give a shit about you. The Grand Opening ceremonies are going to be one for the ages, an honorary first pong shot will be given by the acting members from the OPD and than followed by a brief seminar on how K-9’s can sniff out underagers in the middle of corn fields. And if there’s time we’ll practice the proper way to slam a cops hand in a door.
Moving on… the tournament field is set and anyone who is a someone in the SBPL has their ticket punched and their sack of condoms packed for the Keystone Kickoff Klassic 08. The field is highlighted by every former SBPL Champion including 2 teams that have already brought home the league championship. Every other returning SBPL player has either been the holder of the SBPL belt in non-tourney play or has seen great success in recent tournament play. The new comers have everything to prove and nothing to lose. I’ve been in match play versus all of them and can guarantee there is no acting Oneida Recreation Baseball teams in this tourney, each team can afford to but 9 players with real jerseys on the field at one time, so to speak and no games to be taken for granite. There is a record 5 girls competing in this tournament and as everyone learned from prior experience they are capable of beating anyone, just not capable of making a real run at a championship.
Now its time to spit some predictions at everyone, hopefully make some people mad, and maybe even make a couple realize how fucken smart I am. I’m going to start out with the all girls team, Mel and Adri have no experience in SBPL but have definitely played their share of pong, I think their good for at least one upset and maybe 3 wins but I don’t see a real shot at a playoff berth. Sorry girls, I still think you’re the best UW-Oshkosh team in this tourney. As for Noell and AI, you can never downgrade a team when you expect them to walk in and pull at least one upset, I think the pool teams are in their favor, and since I don’t play them I can have the pleasure of watching the belts being cracked on some hairy white asses. However I don’t see this team making it farther than a 1st round loss in tourney play. And as far as the number of belts being used, I estimate a combined 4 all girl team wins and 8 sore asses, let me know what everyone else thinks, excluding Noell. My bubble bursts for this tourney are the teams of Baconator & Ty-were Zeh, 2 good beer pong players and even better beer drinkers. From the B bracket its gotta be Gary & Jammin’ Jamie Goffard, they have good pong chemistry and even a couple notches on their buffalo skin SBPL belts, but as we know both these teams have proven they can hang with any team but someone’s got to take 5th. As for my last team out segment, I can’t give Kerk & Volkman any higher than 4th because I haven’t seen either play pong in a while and frankly I forgot what they look like, Kerk’s been to the show and knows what it takes, could def be the dark horse of this tourney. From Pool B its gotta be the coolest team I know, Paul Wall got his mouth looking something like a disco ball and the Wise man himself, both can pong with the best, its just hard to throw a rookie team into the same category as SBPL all stars, home court could be a factor but I got them on the outside looking in. Now to the top 6, without question I got Zahny 2 hotty & Bean Marine with that first round bye over the weaker of the 2 pools. As for Pool B we’ve got one of the most victorious teams in the history of the league, 364 more days till Pretzel day, Stan(ley) and Thanks for the season, Roll-off, may I have another? Or as the bracket shows Dan and Tolley, You know if your going to beat this team its going to take sharp shooting and a one cup win. As for the first round matchups I got the always dangerous veteran team of $teak “I can sing better than you” Griller aka Jake and his long time partner Justin (look to this weeks player spotlight for clever nicknames). This team have had their share of tough losses and huge wins in tourney play, they have all the credentials of what makes up a championship team but can only sing what might have been in this mock tourney after a bitter loss to the not so hometown favorites of Michael “you thought my thrash talk is bad, wait till you see me play pong” Tusak and his partner Kevin “I’ve been in the weight room all week working on upper body to carry this team on my shoulders” VDL. That is a true story I’ve been in the weight room a lot this week, or it was a Jimmy Johns at 2 am, I unfortunately don’t recall the small details. That leaves yours truly and his newest partner Joe-hovah can I get a Witness Leinenger. He’s my teammate and the last person you want to be facing down 1 cup with a cigarette in one hand and the game winning pong ball in the other, he’s here to show his legendary partner Mark Buman he can win a title without him. With that said, why won’t it work out that these 2 teams must square off the 1st game of the playoff round. Mark Buman is the Ken Shamrock of this tournament and the most dangerous man in the world. He has teamed up to make the first ever sibling team and only man/woman team of this tourney, that’s right the sharpshooter of the wsbpl Katy Buman. Mark clearly has something to prove and just a matter of who will be able to stop the commish in his run for a league record 3 tourney titles with 3 different partners. One thing we know for sure is these 2 teams matchup round 3, it would not surprise me to see Buman to serve up the first knockout punch but only to be outdone in the first round by the slower less crafty Big Show Joe. That’s right It’s awesome Baby with a capital B, First round sweeps for Pool B and a final 4 of Zahny/Beans vs Kev/3zak and Roll-off/Dan vs Harry S./Tits Mcgee. I would love to quote the late great Colonel Sanders, “I’m too drunk to taste that chicken” and that as far as me and Joe go, if you ain’t first your last, however I was high when I said that so I got Kev/Tuzy being given a free anal shot by the doctor himself and fellow nurse Stan in a sweep and a repeat title of the Keystone Kickoff Klassic. My final burns include the horrible thrash talk of Tuzy’s Chad Johnson Guarantee in which I’ve used in pong and fantasy football thrash talk and therefore has no meaning I’ve also like to remind everyone that in the event of a forfeit, you will be permanently banned for Point Penthouse play, I hope other venues follow the same suit. Consider my signature at the end of this paper my written permission for a bomb to be dropped every reader that can withstand the Doctrine’s greatness. Welp SBPL, see ya at the Penthouse, be sure to have you’re A game on, and your harpoon in hand, Whales will be sure to follow.

Signed,
Patrick kinda like Shwayze